THE KEITH KRONIKLES™ [ 3 Nuts and a Broken Furnace ]
So here it is the middle of winter, a record low of -2 and weve got three people living in a house in the ghetto. There is no running water because the pipes are frozen and no heat because the furnace hasn’t been working in the last 2 years. And all this for the low, low monthly rent of $30.00 a month. Why such a deal? Well, that’s because Keith’s dad bought the home at a foreclosure auction. The only thing the 3 had to pay for was the electric bill. He let them live there, so that they could do the numerous repairs that needed to be done on the house. THAT was his first mistake!
Wedneday January 23, 1988
6:45 A.M Avalon house
“GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT!!!!!!!! A DELIVERY BOY!!!!!! I’M THE FUCKING PRESIDENT OF MARKETING AND PUBLIC RELATIONS FOR THIS COMPANY!!!!!
SMASHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSHSSHS!!!!!!!!!!!! The sound of the phone and answering machine breaking into a thousand pieces as it hits the wall.
This was the songbird that Vanderark awoke to on the cold winter morning . Vanderark, pulled the 7 layers of blankets up over his shivering head and tried to fall back asleep. But to no avail. It was Fucking -2 with a windchill factor of minus 20. There was no heat in the house and he had an Enraged Wise pacing the hallways, talking to himself and sounding alot like he want’s to break something else! So, rather than fight it, He gets out of bed. He figures it’s probably best if he could somehow defuse the situation. So, he heads over to the dresser and grabs his Pill collection and pulls out a gigantic 357 Magnum – Mexican Qualude. He says to himself “If my calculations are right. He weighs about 265 lbs. He’s been up all night drinking Shaefer and Boones Farm and he’ll eat anything that looks like candy. This Rhino Tranquillizer ought to put him down.” See, Marc collects pills like most people collect baseball cards or hummel figurines. He absolutely is infatuated by pills. The difference is he eats his collection and shares it with his friends. He also loves to recommend pills for every occasion. He’s kind of like the waiter recommending which glass of wine that should accompany your dish.
Anyway, On this particular morning Wise is espescially irritated because finally thinks he has Russ Vernon right where he wants him. Months away Bankrutcy and from fileing for Chapter 13 . As Bissons self appointed Vice President of Marketing and Public Relations he finally thinks he has figured out what its going to take to bring down the Upscale Grocery Giant known as West Point Market and that is Green Godess Dressing!!!
“For God Sakes! They don’t even have Green Godess Dressing included in thier Gift Baskets!! ” “Really! No Green Godess Dressing!!” “We can offer their customers something that ….” Interepted by his Boss , John Bisson “Bill, I’ve got a busy day today and I don’t have time for your sensless yammering. Now get back to work and go make your deliveries! ” about 3 seconds later the phone was breaking apart against the wall. This then had awken Keith from his Boones farm and Pet Pill induced slumber from the night before when He and Wise ate a bunch of his dog Peg’s seizure medication and drank a few bottles of Boones farm wine.
” Um, What seems to be the problem Bill ? ” says Keith
” The problem is that I’m NOT a FUCKING DELIVERY BOY! ” ” That what the problem is you FUCKING IDIOT! ” snaps Wise
” Here Bill. Take this. This should take the edge off .” Vanderark says as he hands him the Rhino
tranquilizer.
“I’m not a fucking delivery boy . You know. ” “I’m just not” ” Thats just not how you treat the V.P. of marketing and Public Relations.” says Wise who now is begining to calm down.
“I know Bill . Now take this. Drink three Genny Creams and try to relax. ” says Vanderark
“Green Godess dressing. That’s unfucking believeable that Bissons doesn’t carry it. I mean we could corner that market on it. No one else carries it for miles. This would put Bisson’s on the map again and put West Point on the brink of …..” says Wise